I am married to a great guy who has an adorable, well behaved and sweet four year old son. I wanted to reach out and share some advice to others who are in a similar situation or perhaps considering entering into a relationship with someone who has kids.
My first piece of advice for those who are only in a casual dating relationship is DON'T. I am being 100% honest and blunt when I say this. If you can avoid it, AVOID IT. Relationships where your significant other has a child or children is just stressful. The other adult will be connected to your life at ALL times. Not only are they attached to your relationship, but they are the PARENT of a living breathing child. Parents are protective, opinionated and very controlling over their child. I had no children (but am currently pregnant) when I entered into this relationship, and I found that fact being thrown into my face A LOT. "She doesn't even has kids" "She's never done this before" etc...It's hurtful, stressful and just
difficult to live with.
Secondly, you will have to discipline the child (or the latter: you won't have be allowed to discipline). I don't have to discipline my stepson much because he is an extraordinarily well behaved child, but I have heard from friends who don't have that same luck. You may offend your significant other (or more likely: the other parent) by disciplining their child if they don't see things the same way you do. Disciplinary expectations can be decided through communication with your partner. I just believe it's difficult to discipline a child which isn't yours because the child is very aware you're the other person and they may not hold the same respect for you. Older children may even complain to the other parent about you or exaggerate about their life around you. I am lucky that I became involved with my stepson when he was at age 3 because he loved me immediately. He's the sweetest boy and we clicked early on. I have such a wonderful bond with him and he has taught me to be a better person/friend. I consider my stepson my friend and I wouldn't trade time with him with anything else.
Thirdly, children get sick, have activities and cost money. I have had to say bye to my husband in the middle of a date or go with him to the hospital when my stepson was ill. We have to discuss every holiday and how to split or share time with him and no one is ever 100% content. You may not agree on the money spent on the child either. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong but you can see the types of disagreements which can too easily arise.
The next section is advice for those who are already in an established relationship with a stepchild.
Stay out of any decisions!!! I mean it...even decisions on what time to pick the child up should be left between the child's parents. Even if your partner ASKS you for your advice, I would be as neutral as possible and remind them that
they are the parent. I have found that me staying out of my stepson being picked up/dropped off has been much less stressful. I would ride along to these exchanges before and it's easy to become irritated when your partner does, when it takes too long, when arguments between parents arise, etc...I swear it's best to just be invisible.
The less the other parent knows about you and your life the better because no matter HOW GOOD things seem, you are always the new partner and that is enough for them to dislike you. I used to care too much about people liking me and knowing I am a good person but after being in this relationship, I realized very early on I could care less if my husband's ex likes me...lol. I am more concerned with surrounding myself with people who already like me. Hitting my mid-twenties made me realize
I have to love me because no one can take care of me quite like I can. I am six months pregnant and it hit me at four months that my son is the only thing that matters anymore. I can't be bothered with unnecessary stress during this pregnancy or ever...and I had to cut off any negative people in my life. I choose who is in me and my son's life. Having my own healthy baby and being the best mom to him is #1 to me now. I thank God for that realization. I am growing as a person into a mom...I love it.
Do not talk badly about your partners ex (especially in front of the child) but not even with your partner. THIS IS HARD. LOL... You *will* be annoyed, stressed and irritated by them at some point or another but even if your partner begins the ex-bashing conversation, just keep quiet and let them vent. Talking about someone won't make them change or be how you want so just save your breath :) If you do have to do some ex bashing, do it with a friend or someone you trust. On the other hand, if your partner's ex speaks badly of you to them or the child, LET IT GO... I have been at the end of a blaming finger several times and you can become blue in the face trying to defend yourself or prove to them you're not a bad person, but their opinion of you
will not change... Let it go...let any of their misery or negativity run off your back like drops of water. Breathe in the negativity and then breathe it right back out. Let them be upset and miserable - but you don't have to share that!
Be a friend to the child. Listen to them, play with them, cook with them, learn with them...anything you can! Support them and cheer them on. Love them and let them be the little person they are. Take pictures, write down cute things they say, brag about them and constantly remind them you're glad to be in their life.
Communicate with your partner about anything that makes you uncomfortable. If their child does or says something that puts you in an uncomfortable spot, let your partner know they need to address it. I wouldn't let things go unresolved.
Remember you chose the relationship and their child was FIRST. Being someone's romantic partner is rewarding and it's the relationship we all long to have but please remember that the child was first. Children don't ask to be brought into the world and they deserve a loving environment no matter what! If you can't handle sharing your partner with someone else (especially their own child) then RUN, RUN FAR AWAY because you're doing an injustice to yourself, your partner and certainly to the blameless child. Don't create your own chaos.
Pray. Speak to God about your situation and continually seek his comfort and patience.
Relax. Life is hectic and stressful enough without us or others adding more complications to it...Take bubble baths, drink a glass of wine, take a walk, do yoga, talk to a friend, go to the gym, pray. Breathe!
Life is short! Love the people in your life and command (not demand) love and respect from those in your life. We can usually choose the people in our life but when we're in a relationship with kids, we choose to have extra people around. My main advice is to avoid it if you can, stay out of decision making, pray and stay away from drama and negativity!
