Body Language

Pulling ingredients from the pantry

And I think of you

Remembering that time in your kitchen

Whiskey and coke

Sarcasm and body language 

Your way of being so close & so far

All at once

Eye contact & asking "what?" 

I'm making eggs now, spicy style

And I think of you

Let me cook for you

In your kitchen or mine

Lean against the counter,

In your non chalant way 

And let the aroma fill the room 

We'll say a million things without ever moving our lips 

Breña

If I ever have a daughter, I want to call her Breña. 

Mermaid

Mermaid

She's a special girl. My mom fell in love with her at a shelter & brought her home for us. Mermaid is sweet and feisty & soft like a bunny. She likes to sit in the window sill and chatter at the birds outside. Mermaid is such sweet company.

She was attacked by a coyote about five years ago. Her hind leg was bitten down to the bone. We aren't sure how she made it out of that alive, we imagine she mauled the coyote's face. My brother James' friend's dad was a vet & very kind to us. He told mom that she would probably need her leg amputated but mom didn't want to do that to her sweet girl. The vet told mom the other option was to keep her in a cage & make her rest fr at least 3 months. So we kept her in a cage, leg bandaged and pitiful faced Mermaid was so sad. I hated to see Mermaid that way but we would pet her and talk to her. Eventually Mermaid got some of her strength back. She used her other three legs and her rear right leg wouldn't touch the ground but after some time and plenty of perseverance Mermaid now uses her rear right foot too. Mermaid welcomed Nicolas into her life just as we did. When he was a small baby she always looked so perplexed and now that he's walking she runs and hides from him because he pats her a little too rough and pulls her tail. Nicolas calls her "mer-may" and "mermy" lol. He definitely loves her and loves to tease her even more.

I love Mermaid. She is a big part of our family. 

Nicolas

Nicolas calls bubbles "BUBBIES"

And he tells on me, pointing and babbling so seriously 

Nicolas is so affectionate, he runs up to me, burrows his head between my legs and hugs them

When we sleep, he cuddles up to me

And for the first time this morning he saw me cry and he laid his head on mine

He's heaven sent, no doubt 

He says "den du" (thank you) 

And he says "hi" to everyone 

He waves and says bye bye too

He hugs his stuffed animals and says "awww" in a high pitched voice

He's the love of my life 💛

Surrender

Surrender to what is 

That's what I'm doing today 

When

When you let me 

I'll hug you

And when you let me 

I'll melt your icy look away 

If you let me 

I will quiet the negative voices in your head

I can't change your mind

And I can't keep you satisfied

But if you let me 

I will do my best

When you come to me

I will rub your chest

And when you come to me

I'll leave kisses on your neck

If you let me 

I'll sing you a new song

I can't make you want me

And I can't change what's behind

But if you let me

I'll do my best

Patterns

Today I gave myself some homework

To redirect my thoughts

I dwell on what I can't control but now I'm letting go

I'll smile even if it's fake my mind won't know the difference anyways

I'm ready to see the change

Open to the new beginnings

New habits, new patterns shape my day

I'll take it one step at a time

One breath, in then out

Cuz all I have is right now 

You

You & your auburn hair

You & that far away stare

You & those boots

You & that crooked grin

You drew me in from the first meeting

The way you hung over your drink in that dark corner

White button down shirt and your slicked back hair

Bottoms up, drink after drink, trying to muster the words to appease me

I didn't mind your silence and I still don't

I've been wrapped up in so many words that your silence is consoling

You & your tight jeans

You & those cigarettes

You & all that whiskey

You & the way you look at me 

I stand in front of you, my eyes begging you to hold me

You keep me at a distance, quietly

Your cautiousness intrigues me but offends my insecurities

Keep me close because I would love to be the woman, the one you choose to come home to 

I don't want to ask for anything, I just want YOU.

Cloudy

There isn't one day when my mind doesn't race

Thoughts of my baby boy, his sweet, little face

Memories of harder times that weigh on me heavily

And thanking God I've still got fire inside

With every new moon and her dark, regenerative energy I reset my mind and alter my reality

There's a trillion parts of me, only a dozen you've seen 

While you're there observing me, I'm here wondering if this makes as much sense to you as it does to me?

Questions crowd my mind and cloud my intuition so tonight I'll burn sage to refresh my spirit