Flame to the wind *~

If I get used to this distance

I'll prefer things to remain this way

Perhaps it's better for you?

All these new & different ways 

For you to keep me at bay

I felt how I felt

But I let it out & then

Emotions dissipate 

Like a flame to the wind 

is it really you?

breathe a little harder

I found you in the haze

blood rushes so much faster

I've caught your gaze
motorcycle head light is a spotlight on our scene
the night wind howling,

wraps around you and me
is that the rumble of the motor? 

or the beating of my heart?
I can't categorize all these feelings, 

you overwhelmed me from the start
you've stood right here, 

just as you are now
and I've imperfectly adored you, 

not really knowing how
if you want me, you haven't said it
but I can sense it in your presence

black tourmaline.

I knew I needed a black stone. On my lunch break today I went to my favorite new age shop, the Pyramid of Enlightenment. I bumped into Aaron there and told him I had my heart set on black obsidian, but this black tourmaline pendant caught my eye. 

I use stones on a consistent basis for various reasons, particularly meditation. I am excited about this new addition to my collection as it is a protective, grounding stone & aids one in clearing negative emotions, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness and anger. This stone also releases chronic worry, obsessive tendencies and compulsive behavior. I have been in a very trying, testing era  of life lately, as most of you who read my poetry are aware, so this stone is one I already cherish immensely!

xo

star child.

Clairvoyant boy, whose shadow do you see?

Perceptive little angel, tell me the messages you receive.

We never really lose our loved ones, do we?
I'm your mother but you're the one teaching me.

offering.

crystal girl, burn your sage.

make your energetic offering.

mark your place.

some can't accept me like this.

but my journey is my own.

and if you'll block me.

I'll contentedly walk alone.

cherished moonstone, harmonize my emotions.

keenly aware, my intuition is at it's highest

the universe, ardently nudging me

I know I'll pass this test

suddenly awakened, 

no longer lingering in dreamless sleep

I see the patterns before me

and these messages are deep

card reader, hold your hands still

do you see the colors in the air?

flower girl, hush your mind

you don't need words to catch on

use your wide eyes & practice your feminine flair

mysterious woman, you are finally revived

you've known your path for a while

moon girl, don't hesitate to cast your magic

you've got your spell at hand

...go & cast it

rainbow aura

delicate flowers bloom behind my eyes

a rainbow aura circles me now

 pure energy flows

where nothing can offend me

ego does not exist

where my heart doesn't hurt

because I'm in a state of bliss

unconditional love

wrapped in perfect light

Uranus

I've been liberated emotionally

The electrical current burns hot in me

Hit the lights & my eyes'll glow in the dark

These last few years have been no walk in the park

This energy has been trying my patience

But I remind myself I am amping up my resilience

will you meet me on the other side?

Forgive my fears, right now I'm caught in rip tide

Temporary anchor, I've clung to you

I guess I didn't realize the damage that would do

Don't wanna cry anymore.

I just want peace restored.

Thoughts before sleep

I hope I sleep tonight without a dream of you

I'd like to rest a while without a care of you

It seems to me you don't sweat these anxious moments 

But the unknown is hurting me

A dry pill to swallow

I'll fix my heart on what's going well

I'm very blessed, my life so swell

It's easy to drown in the black part of this

And being ignored by you is the worst of it 

fire.

My fire doesn't burn red

It burns blue 

Try together

So much I want to tell you, but I hesitate

The last time I spoke my feelings, 

You perceived it as poison & hate

How can I express myself in a way that you would understand?

Perhaps where words have failed me,

I could show you with the touch of my hands?

I don't know why I feel so much...

Why I'm wired to thrive in relationships 

But I'll stay quiet,

I'll keep to myself

Til you feel safer to allow me to be myself 

Trust that I would never hurt you

I'd never be reckless on purpose

I'm just still learning to drop my defenses 

Figured we could try together,

Let each other in 

primarily strangers

for my 27th year
I went down to fountain square
strolled back into the same bar where you took me
the night of our first date, the brass ring
I won't forget walking in that hazy place
your white shirt, bent over your drink
nervous smiles exchanged
you tossing crown & coke back
I was too intrigued to think straight
Guess you sorta liked what you saw
Few weeks in, you kissed me in my car
Lana's voice, our background
I drove home in the moonlight to the same sound
Smiley face texts, the neon glare of my phone
I'm kinda tipsy, don't want to lay alone
You'd come sometimes & then you'd slip away
Hold me so close, but you'd never stay
I felt slighted, I cut you off
& when I decided that my reaction was too brash
You let me back around but only temporarily
Now we don't speak, we are strangers primarily

Summer born

I was summer born ~ & summer feels good to me. I am usually a moon girl but lately I've embraced my sun goddess side too. 

Blessings on your summer! 

Xx

Quite lovely

You came at the right time 

Made me forget the painful things on my mind

Your arrival was so unexpected 

I'm so grateful for how the dust has settled 

I was looking for someone else

But there you were

January baby, welcome to the summer

I hope this tension brings us higher

Because before you I was falling, 

now I'm a survivor

I've put a lot of pressure on you

Guess because when you came in

I was a deep shade of blue

Singing songs, I still force a smile

But it's growing on me,

Please remain patient,

it could take a while

A rose, like me, has her thorns 

I hope you won't dismiss me

once you're past the initial bleeding 

I'm quite lovely 

my design

I guess I went looking for the pain again
to remind me where I stood but then
it doesn't hurt as much this time around
because...
you're only as good as your last cigarette
& only as handsome as your hair slicked back
& I let the sun hit my face again
& I've let other guys ask me out again
because...
well, I thought you were all I needed
but your whiskey became plain
& your motorcylce lost its shine
damn cigarette smoke steals my air
and your face no longer suits my design

earthquakes.

it's not that complicated, it's no so very deep
but when we don't speak, you know I'm left to weep
when I find we're pointing fingers, spewing words like lava
I can't take the turmoil because it's not who I am
why is there always an earthquake with every step I take?
I love to leave an impression, darling -
but leaving you in the ashes was never part of my plan
You don't need a savior, I know this very well
but if you could see your part in this
that you drew me in too.
maybe you weren't aware of the passion seething within me
It's clear in my gaze, that I'm tender and so receptive
but there burns a flame of the hottest blue
this part of me which you've not accepted
I can burn somewhere farther away
so you won't feel my heat
I don't want you to be wounded
I could try harder, to be nothing but sweet
but I'm the yin and yang, babe
the darkness is so cold and the white in me is a natural heat
I'll spread my wildfires, singing all the way back to my bed
and I can lay down in still waters to live out the passions in my head

Frequency.

Is this a school boy game to you?

You touch my leg & run away

Do you understand the frequency 

The vibrations of my name? 

I can silence many men

They like to watch me,

Wondering who my eyes will search for next

They're intrigued because I'm different

And when it comes to the siren song

Baby, I'm the very best

Perhaps it isn't polite to be so forward

But I couldn't give two fucks about anyone who doesn't think I'm as amazing as I am 

Raven haired girl

I hope she watches you fall when you want to fly

Refuses your hugs when you want to cry

I hope she hides her true self

That she sleeps with another man

I hope she verbally assaults you like us women can

I hope you're lonely by her side

I hope she has no clue what gives you pride

That she doesn't care about your day

Or when you wish for her, that she refuses to stay

Maybe then you'll come back 

Return to me because I've been waiting 

Lay between these sheets,

Honey, I'm so very impatient

You thought you were better off 

With the raven haired girl

While she may be a diamond,

I'm an ocean pearl

She's not me & she'll never be 

Once the seduction passes you'll crave my sweet stability 

Because although I'm not a man eater

Honey I don't lack in passion 

Closer to heaven

I'm far from empty

Or incomplete

I'm closer to fulfillment 

My hands now reach

To the moon & the jeweled stars

I feel closer to heaven than ever before 

Ocean blue

Today I slipped on a dress

The aqua kind, an ocean hue

A cheerful shade of blue 

It's sort of Renaissance 

Made me look like a Midieval princess

I felt 12 again, pretty again 

& I wished you could see it 

So rare now to feel desirable

To feel someone longing to call my name  

But if you could see me darling,

This dress would change the game 

Unsure

I'm not sure I want to talk to you sometimes

Because when I start you stay so quiet

And when I get quiet you pull me in again 

I don't like roller coaster rides

It's off beat, whatever this is between you & me

It makes me crazy, frustrates me baby 

You're not sure what you're doin at all 

Tougher

Some people care so much about protecting themselves

They withdraw into their silence

They may understand you're hurting but they're too comfortable in their ego 

I'm not one of them, I can't relate

I can hardly tolerate painful news on the tv let alone let someone I love suffer

I guess this is the part mama warned me about, to build up my walls, to be tougher 

Your child's mother

You claim to love me so much

You call my name at these desperate hours

But I don't reside with you anymore

& my desire to has scattered

When I would be next to you

You had your phone in hand 

Or typing away on your laptop

God knows it drove me insane 

I'm not a clingy person, 

Some say I'm too independent

But at night I want to connect with the man to whom my heart has been given

If I chose you it's because I trusted you

With hopeful faith that you'd love me the same way

And when you turned a cold shoulder

I cried, God knows I cry sometimes to this day

Who could abandon their child's mother?

Leave her to raise him alone? 

Who could feel okay with knowing that she needed him but he preferred to be gone

I didn't bring my sweet child here 

To this earth to be abandoned

Maybe he wasn't planned but I've loved him since I knew of his existence

I pleaded to you and now you plead to me

You're begging now, it makes no difference

You see I've learned to drive my own chariot

Found a new shell to cover my soft interior 

Singing a new song to another man

Who encourages me to blossom like a rose flower 

You could have kept me

But your heart was somewhere else

So don't judge me for how I choose to mend what you were so persistent to break 

new moon Lion

colored crystals in my grip, incense burns
lavender oil drips
this dark moon night
she can't be seen
but I feel her energy, so serene
this transitional time,
fill up the cup
setting forward new intentions

what do you make of these rituals I practice?
it's not witchcraft, no strange form of magic
the laws of the universe, whether we want it or not
are always working, so many lessons to be taught

calculated breathing, my hands in the air
the only goddess I worship is the moon, if I dare
twice a month she brings me to my knees
during this new moon I am particularly careful,
for there are particular feelings I am eager to seize

Jupiter, you in your celestial glory
joining the new moon in tonight's story
both of you can expand every wish I desire
all I have to do is set my soul on fire

Gratitude

Expressing daily gratitude for the sweet soul in my care

With his big brown eyes & dark blonde hair

I'm so grateful for the universe trusting me with such a smart, sweet boy

Whose smile can melt my anxiety 

I'll forever be in awe of you

My baby boy you'll always be

Nicolas James, a precious star child

Trusted to someone like me 

Aquarius

Lightning quick intuition

You just know what you know

No need to explain yourself to others

You've blazed your path while they still grow 

Who can say what brings together such different elements

Your airy, detached nature

Offends my watery, delicate grip

I sit by the waterside 

And you, Aquarius, residing in your mind

What can bring you out of it

But the lure of things unfound?

I've sung a siren's call, 

But you're seemingly uneased 

Not sure what to make of me

A woman who seems so difficult to please

Tattoo Chakra

Could I dream of you again?

Slip into that blissful state where

You're enchanted by everything about me

Down to the way my lips utter your name

Such sweet surrender, I'm usually a fighter but tonight I'll let you in 

My mind seems to worship you

So let the dream begin

That's that

You & I will never work 

Sometimes you seem so sweet

But when you're feeling sorry for yourself

You're nothing more than a fucking jerk 

the chase.

who were you to pursue me as vigorously as you did?

checking in daily, calling me "pretty",

commenting how my eyes were glowing,

leaving me blushing at the swift brush of your kiss

who were you to nestle your body beside mine in my beds with candles lit?

lying there with your auburn hair & your lips so austere

every time my blood grew warmer, your gaze would grow to a chill

you'd leave me pulsating, wanting more of you and wanting you now still

who were you to entice me in?

just to keep me at your fingertips

you'd hold me under your big arms

but barring me from attempting it back

I said I wanted you, ten times at least

& you turned a deaf ear to my pleas

who are you to ignore me now?

when you began all of this!

did you enjoy conquering my mind

to leave me confused & crying out your name.

our empire

could you just approach me from behind sometime
and kiss me on my neck?
would you just stop me mid sentence
with your fingers pressed on my lips?
these tiny moments, so fleeting yet so ardent
would keep me coming back to you

diamonds & money could never lure me in
but moonlit dances & rose petals would reserve my presence

lay me down in a bed of thick blankets
let's get lost in each other's arms
we'll forget anyone else for a while
because we're building our empire

life among roses

a life with roses around me and lavender oil in the air
books on my lap & a cat purring somewhere near
fresh water pond with a hammock for me to lay
this is how I want to pass all my days
singing lullabies in the garden to my one true love
knowing I'm his queen baby, the one he holds above
I come alive at night, the moon is my spirit guide
her gentle glow urging me to release the passion inside
no rules to follow here in my haven
just be yourself, I don't mind to see you misbehaving

Lost girl

I'm a lost girl

With no direction 

My mother has pointed me a few ways

But I choose the hard lessons

Love eludes me and these men find me so argumentative

I'm not bitching, I'm expressive 

If there is someone in the universe who knew just how to hold my heart

So it didn't feel shattered or bruised

I would show them this rose is worth her thorns

Because to be lost until he finds me 

Is how I live as a lost girl 

Mermaid child

Knowing you was a long chapter in my life

We were 17 & our mental adventures were so deep

Not so crazy, but I think I taught you that letting loose wasn't so weak 

You taught me too, like how to find the logical in the emotional ocean I was born into

You became my sailor, my captain

Guiding this mermaid child through the undertow

Every chapter has its end

And ours was tougher than we'd have liked

Spells of ignoring you or placing blame on someone else

Pluto broke down our Saturnian empire 

Sighs in the July night

I'm weary of writing poems

And laying discontented in my bed

Staring at the ceiling,

Wondering how it'd be if you were here instead

There's so much hesitation, so many questions without answers

Your silence is a message too loud for my heart chamber

I'm no good at letting go

I grasp tightly to what was

Hoping you'll trust me and feel my love

There's no glance as blank as yours 

I wouldn't know anymore cuz I don't even see you

I heard you changed your hair

I bet it really suits you

If letting go is your way of finding a lighter load

Then I suppose I would respect that

But damn, I don't even know

You only hear what you want,

Disregarding the rest

I've told you that it pains me

How much your silence steals my air

How I'm struggling for my voice

You don't seem eager to help repair 

Love is supposed to be mutual

But you perplex me, you're so unusual  

what is meant for me.

I know too well how it feels to be held at arm's length
I've ceased my attempts to bring you back in
Relinquished my desire for control of the outcome
I have faith in love and what is meant for me, will come

words I don't say.

it's not a rarity to think of you, I'd have you with me instantly
but I refuse to be a burden on your shoulders
& when I felt like a bother, I pulled away
you weren't ready to feel so much as I am
nothing is ever black and white
and I'm not sure if this is even right
but my heart wants what it wants
and yours is the face I see
when I go to sleep

if love could bridge all gaps,
well, I believe that
and even if you don't see all of me
you made me aware of the insecurity still alive in me
I could blame you for not appeasing me
not being the man I needed you to be
but I'm not even angry
you took a turn and you linger in your apathy
I can't control that lack of morality

I can love you from afar
like I have been
and wonder if you're thinking of me
like I do every evenin'
in and out of my mind you come
but my heart won't let go
of the moments you gave me

love

I not only love you,
I love the Earth your feet have been on
The roads your motorcycle has roared down
The doorknobs of those smoky bars where you've been
The glass your bourbon fills
The vinyl that plays for your ears
Those t-shirts that have casually hugged your skin
Your tousled auburn hair in your rugged face
The bed with its pillows that you fall in
The air that you breathe, which gives you life
I love every part of you, cruel and aloof
I didn't mean to love you, but I do

Falling in love

Don't you think it's so cruel

To hold me and play me all my favorite songs 

Stevie Nicks' voice drifting through the night air

You held me and caressed my hair

"Tell me about it" you said

Between tears and anguish

I was falling in love

Was it you or the moment?

You'll never let me know

Sometimes when I'm just sad like that

I reach to you for more more moments like that

You don't make time to even respond now

Too much for you to be accountable for

But you won't admit that 

Numb

My emotions like wildfire

You put them out

Metal, cruel extinguisher

Who walks away without a second thought 

I've been held high

And now I'm under your thumb

You won't say yes or no

You're just so damn numb 

cursed.

Should I just keep quiet so you could have a look at me?
It seems like you'd rather focus on my lips than hear the words I'm speaking

Eternal summer

At what point do butterfly kisses

Turn to words that pierce like an arrow

Carved by the hands of angry warrior

Protecting his home land

At what point does his sweet gaze 

Become a disinterested scowl,

You'd never recognize him

You'd think he never loved you anyhow

When does my voice become

Like fingernails scratching your flesh?

When I could've sang you to sleep

Until your very last breath

Our eternal summer, with water and cool nights

Became a freezing winter, where you're colder than the ice 

Game playing

So much passion but it's so off beat 

One sided, I don't mind but

How long til I think you're game playing? 

I'm already wondering if you give me just enough to make me hang on.

I'm just me

I'm a star too far from your reach,

Too brilliant for you to see

You're intrigued & I'm just me

July 2 thought

It is entirely possible to care too much.

Persistence

So much I say and wish I didn't 

Not because it was offensive or wrong

Just bc I find you so distracted 

& that disappoints me, that you're unattached

I guess I rely too much on you to pull me up 

I've been doing well on my own, 

Just hoped we could fight the waves together

You're caught in the undertow

And I'm already near shore

You hardly even look at me 

Who could know what these feelings are for? 

It's minimal to acknowledge that I feel how I feel

There's not much worth saying 

To you it seems that persistence isn't real

Sing to you

I wanna go roller skating

Or have a picnic on the hillside

I'd like to lay and see the cloud formations

What will they mean to you? 

Could we just appreciate each other 

& feel as foolish as children do 

It's time to let go of the burdens that 

Weigh on me and you 

We don't have to live in a bubble

We could just know that we've got eachother

You'd look at me and know that something in the world is right

And I'd feel the same bc that's what I feel tonight

I don't write these things bc I fake it

I spill out my heart, hoping that perhaps you'll take it 

Forever isn't long enough when I want to sing to you

You inspire so many lullabies 

That I could sing you tunes til you're sleeping beauty 

We don't have to live in a bubble

We could just know that we've got eachother

You'd look at me and know that something in the world is right

And I'd feel the same bc that's what I feel tonight