stay kind.

when I breathe

I am free from everything

with just one sigh

the pain is released

relaxing my shoulders

my head stays high

because I've seen how bruises fade 

so I stay kind

fall

my favorite season
wrapped up in a purple sweater
watching changing colors of the garden
at the hand of the newly brisk weather

no chip on my shoulder
from the summer season
I've always liked it colder
I'm not sure of the reason

hot chocolate in my hand
and music in my head
admiring this orange, yellow land
but those pretty leaves,
                                    they're dead

conversations with the moon

& I have conversations with the moon

because she listens to me far better than you do.

Confessions.

I'm recognizing my ongoing anger and resentment towards my son's father. I was supposed to only be married once, it was supposed to last forever. I carried our son for nine months and one month after he's born, his dad chose to deceive me. I am sure he never imagined his choice would become known to me. My intuition told me something was wrong, and I found the proof to confront him. No clear explanation has ever been given to me, which makes the circumstances between us that much more difficult and painful. It's so hard to have someone you love look you in the eyes, telling you they love you, when you have proof of choices they made that say otherwise. Immense, agonizing pain, especially when you're a brand new mommy and hormonal anyway. When I needed him most, and our son, his choices showed me his priorities were certainly not his family. Heart break.

I've been on such a roller coaster ride trying to navigate between what's best for Nicolas, while protecting myself too. I've supervised visits between Nicolas and his dad, allowing him to see me, somewhere inside of me still loving him, and hurting and cursing him all the while.

I don't want Nicolas to ever feel any tension between his dad and me. I only want my child to see respect and balance exchanged between his dad and me. This has been HARD. I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, who says what I feel. I don't censor much, so forcing a smile and suppressing the pain when I'm around them hurts. Nicolas is worth this though and I will never show him my pain until the time is right...if it ever is.

This outcome is not what I wanted. I didn't want to be a single mom, relying on family again for a place to live after I've been living out on my own. I've felt so inadequate as a mom, as a person because just when I was laying the foundation for myself and my brand new son, lightning struck & my world turned upside down.

But you know, I wouldn't change any of it now. The amount of growth I've experienced has made me who I am right now. I'm a little less naive, I have a clearer understanding of what I want out of life & relationships, I'm more independent & I've found new friends & people to love. My world has burst wide open to new possibilities & experiences which I know wouldn't have happened if I didn't experience the upheaval & the ultimate separation from Nico's dad.

Sometimes I'm not sure I made the right decision to divorce Nicolas' dad. I can only say that I don't know what I'm doing at all most of the time, except trying to do the best I can with what I've got. I do know one thing, that now I make a conscious decision to try and base my decisions out of love rather than fear like I was doing for so long.

This hasn't been the path I chose, but it's the path I was given. I am blessed, supported and continuing forward because, well, what else can we do?

Love your people. Even if they've hurt you. Love them anyways because being compassionate & loving is never wrong.

disentangle.

this silver siren has had a long, rough road

and with every corner withdrawing,

because people can be so cold

cuddling into my pillows or reading my favorite book

learning to direct my attention to softer things, 

& for a while, I'm off the hook

dissecting people's actions is like hand in the flame

burning and singing, slow torture is the game

I've learned to swiftly disentangle from situations that raise red flags

& sometimes I fear that at 17, I already loved the best man I ever had