fear

a familiar feeling when he looks in my eyes

I just met him, so I wonder why?

such fire there, his glance I cannot hold

because I'm afraid of his magic, afraid to be left in the cold

tell me will the risk be worth my energy?

or will he use me, a new accessory?

operating from a place of fear

I recognize that about myself, it's clear

not wanting to be pulled back into the sea

where the waves, at one time, made a victim of me

but something hopeful rises inside

a bit of curiosity which doesn't subside

he's intriguing, he's handsome and he's holding me

so for today, I'll just let this happy moment be

weapon.

scribbled poetry in one of several journals,

hot tea that turned cold on my table top,

white roses in vases, beauties I bought for myself,

moon scented incense burning on my bookshelf,

peach, lavender and white fabrics dangling,

a nostalgic song I'm singing trails down the hall,

and my wide eyed angel boy, named Nicolas

I'm so blessed, so much energy buzzing in me

no time to wither away by cause of life's wicked sea

going with the flow, I've learned to be flexible

and of all of these, perception is my most useful weapon

my own heaven.

I can sing in autumn rain

knowing this rain comes to cleanse our pain

and when dark shadows cast over my face

I'll remember to walk my own pace

people can't be forced into wanting me

because I know so well, they'll do what they please

so standing back is the very best option

because I'm quite sure I create my own heaven

when his efforts seem wilting

that's of his choosing 

I'm not an angel and neither is he

we're two individuals, living imperfectly

I'm fine alone, I was then, I am now

but his company seemed worth it, somehow

and that beauty we created in breaths between kisses

is something I am quite sure he misses

insignificant

you drove to me, on your humming motorcycle machine

did you think that's all it took?

to show up tonight in leather like a "manly man"

I can smell Jack Daniels when you approach me

I hold you at my arm's length

"don't come close to me" 

your smirk is offensive, the way you bite your lip

I can only imagine how you see yourself reflected in my eyes

You appear so smug, gloating like a child who has won his prize

anger rising from my feet through to my finger tips

how dare you try to see me?

and put your fingers in my hair

I can't stand you, the casual way you stand there

if once I found you handsome, 

I think you're pitiful and insignificant now

you saw me as an option, when I made you my choice

when I tried to talk to you, all you heard was noise

so when I chose to walk away & you don't question me until now

forgive me for my brashness but your presence here, I won't allow

I let you win

am I so delicate? I laugh at the thought

when I've been pulled over shattered glass

what do you feel? pity for me?

your concerned expression amuses me

when you've heard the number of ways I've been thrown into fire

what do you see? a beauty who pleas?

I could take you down

I know my resilience, my will to survive

who needs to be saved when I've already saved myself?

inside my mind, you crept in
but I didn't beg you to leave, I just let you win...but,

an attractive face can distract you from the truth of my fate

you see, I'm already ten chapters in front of you

I write my story, I won't accept your help