hell & back

In the dark book you keep, where your mysteries unfold in your sleep

Tell me, what is it you dream of? 

Isn't it curious how I still want to understand you,

When you buried your knives into my back?

I've told you once, I'll tell you again

I can handle the pain because darling, I've already been to hell and back

weaklings.

I'm only interested in being strong, you see

So keep the weaklings away from me

No damsel in distress, I've learned to save myself

Because no one else can tame my soul

and I'll be damned if they try

I'm not looking for validation

& there's no beauty in your hesitation

so I blaze my own trail & contentedly

if you want a princess, babe, that's not me

Including me.

*Not written by me, but too beautiful not to share.

Muse.

Smoke screens and filters here

Trapped in a mirrored box

Am I here? Or over there?

Maybe I enjoy the delusion

The perpetual confusion

This deathless torture,

Oh my God, I need to breathe

I'm suffocating, failing,

I need to leave

Eloquent spider webs of words

the way you weave them, so silvery

you're artistic but I'm hesitant to believe

I'm just a tiny dancer inside your jewelry box

Wind me up, move me to the music you make

Don't push me too hard, I may bend, I'll break

Be gentle with the muse you didn't create

3rd eye kiss

give me a 3rd eye kiss

unlock the power within

when there's no one who has your back

you had me, but you couldn't handle that

I'll take loneliness over bullshit

and I run from the chaos

I worried I offended you

but with my forehead on the ground

I released the tension I had with you

because life rotates in circles

and I'm not scared

I know what's meant for me

will find a way to be there.

over.

I'll get over my loneliness

but you'll never get over your ego.

unrequited love.

I've grown used to yearning for you

for as little as a message from your lips

because your touch dissipated too soon

you weren't really invested in my wishes

memories come, between every other thought

how long will I feel like you're the one I want?

I don't want to need you anymore

your eyes say so much, but your lips never move

is this all just a made up fantasy?

am I so very foolish for believing in you?

to think if I were prettier that I could be your lady

brushing your hair away from your eyes

you still don't see me, you don't mean to be cruel

but darling, this is so unkind. 

there's no other way to say it,

but I understand now, there's no happy ending.

black velvet dreams.

I'm not the same girl anymore.

You found me so naive

Maybe you sensed I could heal you

and Heaven knows I tried to

but I'm too sensitive to your energy

Black suffocating smog, 

absorbing your negativity

To you I was everybody,

...but really nobody

I felt lost in your presence

our dynamic was my escape 

I am so relieved the fog has lifted
That this painful dream has ended

I am thankful that you changed me.

I don't wander in your black velvet dreams

And now I know that I'm not really helpless.

soon.

everyone's catching on to you

to the selfish things you do

and soon you'll find out

that you're alone, no doubt

so if you find yourself wanting me

baby I'll be gone like the fog of sea

because when I died many times for you

you were apathetic, you just cause trouble

magician.

well aren't you just a clever magician?

weaving your way into my life

is this real or a delusion?

you make what's impossible real

but my heart, that I can't let you steal

you act so, consciously, so intentional 

but in the meantime you make me feel mental

without a word, your fingers trace my lips

and I can feel my pulse everywhere

you know your power, you run a dictatorship

but I'm a rebel, and I'm a flower

and though I bloom slowly, I've got staying power

little lunatic.

with so many females around you

I wonder what draws you to me?

you know I am not quiet, 

and I'm not so serene

I think I'm a little lunatic

raving about my feelings

and with the ebb and flow 

I break away, always daydreaming 

so you observe me 

in the midst of my mad laughter

and I suspiciously question you

"what exactly are you after?"

what a strange dynamic,

the push, the pull

the 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance

I think we both like this wacky dance

break through

my friends hate you

say you're pretty worthless

but I see you & God I'm helpless

there's more to life than things that make sense

this feeling, this attachment...

is it heaven sent?

you step close then back away

my hands reach for you

will you ever stay?

the words that I vomit

seem to suffocate you

so I'll stay silent

I'll find another way to break through

separately

you're a beautiful outcast like me

we run to the edge of town, separately

no room for discussion, we just experience things

I'm not so wild &  baby you're not free

in the forest, dark & deep

we find temporary comfort, but no sleep

you're scared of me

& I'm addicted to you

so we run in circles

because we've got nothin' else to do

Drowning

I'm lonely in the dark

Reaching for a feeling

The harder I try

The faster this slips through my fingers

I want to feel some stability 

But I'm drowning in the sea

Who will come to me?

In my time of need

I don't feel seen

I feel so badly perceived

I'm not this intense usually

I am free 

But I'm dying to be taken seriously 

Lakes of Fire

come to me with your weary bones

come to me in your sweet silence

come to me with all your wounds

you'll find me non reactive to your moods

come to me and lay down your head

come to me, don't leave, stay instead

come to me, honey don't hold back

you'll find this time I've let down the traps I had set

for you I have walked through lakes of fire

& I am ready to concede to the power of this

I am ever changing.

you invite me in where the waters are murky and deep
I think you expect me to set fire to the sea,
you believe I'll run right in without a blink
and I'm focused on you, securing my spot by your side
but you're leaving me balancing myself on the high wire,
you watch carefully from the shore while I brave the tide

I'm not blessed with an abundance of patience
so your steps sideways leave me so irritated
I regret the things I blurt out,
I regret telling you how much I'm in love with you
that my soul aches and yearns for you

you and me, a push and pull dance
am I want you want?
what do I make of this second chance?
you're here again and you're leading me
but the path is foggier than it's ever been

did you need to trick me into that emotional confession?
is this relationship real or am I obsessing?
our dynamic is bittersweet
And I am ever changing
I'm so traumatized, please don't leave me hanging

I am the magic.

I am the magic that I need

I gave away my power

seeing him as the magician in my world

but the true alchemist is me

come through

when he doesn't come through, you do

this whole scenario is so strange

we don't dance like other couples do

I push, you pull and we tip toe around

the depth of this is too much to lose

I'm not really sure why I love you

but looking at your slicked back locks, 

feeling your firm grip on my waist,

I know you're the man I'll never replace

rise against.

are you slipping into your suffering state?

do your writhe in your bed from your anger?

how does the silence surround you now?

and do you know how to reach out?

tiny fragments of bitter times

don't let the wolves eat your mind

the energy vampires, sucking you dry

can you rise against it this time?

don't resist the change

because what ends beckons a beginning

& even when lightning hits

the new world you'll find is liberating

stand tall against every dark creature who mocks you

ignore the ones who'd love to haunt you

this shit storm is slowly waning

and where you search, you'll find love waiting

conjunction.

I sense a change coming, rising around me

Requiring no validation from you, or you, or anyone 

Standing on my own two feet, I'll handle things myself

The universe has shaken me out of my co-dependence

I've been awakened, gained a new spirit of resilience

Change came slowly and so quickly, all at once

Shadowy figures of my subconscious now lend me clairvoyance

Somethings have ended, but there is this new beginning

I know now that when I don't depend on anyone else, I'm winning

A full, red rose blooming behind these golden eyes

Exterior beauty is fleeting, what's inside can't be disguised

If you think you knew all I could offer energetically

I think you'll find more to discover, I'm a mystery

Who are we but cosmic stardust underneath our fragile skin?

It takes true strength to be vulnerable, to let someone in

Patiently I look at you, looking at me 

and I've stopped wondering what you see

Our interaction, although unanticipated, is a beautiful collaboration

The timing is always right, the universe matching our vibrations

irresolution

laying in bed, reviewing our evening

you're on my mind while I stare at the ceiling

where I jumped before, I linger hesitantly now

wanting to let you in, but unsure how

maybe you recognize this irresolution in my eyes

the pool of emotion in them, I'm unable to disguise

when you hold me, I find myself wanting more of you

but my hands dare not move, I can't let you see inside

you see deception is what I had been handed

after handing over my heart, his name upon it branded

but he liked to squeeze it a little too tightly

and he liked the blood stains although I was frightened 

smiling at me in the most unsettling way

convincing me that no others would take me 

mocking me when I left him,

"no one you want will stay"

his words linger in my thoughts now

and even though you're here somehow

I doubt your very presence

your impending exit, sadly I expect this

fear

a familiar feeling when he looks in my eyes

I just met him, so I wonder why?

such fire there, his glance I cannot hold

because I'm afraid of his magic, afraid to be left in the cold

tell me will the risk be worth my energy?

or will he use me, a new accessory?

operating from a place of fear

I recognize that about myself, it's clear

not wanting to be pulled back into the sea

where the waves, at one time, made a victim of me

but something hopeful rises inside

a bit of curiosity which doesn't subside

he's intriguing, he's handsome and he's holding me

so for today, I'll just let this happy moment be

weapon.

scribbled poetry in one of several journals,

hot tea that turned cold on my table top,

white roses in vases, beauties I bought for myself,

moon scented incense burning on my bookshelf,

peach, lavender and white fabrics dangling,

a nostalgic song I'm singing trails down the hall,

and my wide eyed angel boy, named Nicolas

I'm so blessed, so much energy buzzing in me

no time to wither away by cause of life's wicked sea

going with the flow, I've learned to be flexible

and of all of these, perception is my most useful weapon

my own heaven.

I can sing in autumn rain

knowing this rain comes to cleanse our pain

and when dark shadows cast over my face

I'll remember to walk my own pace

people can't be forced into wanting me

because I know so well, they'll do what they please

so standing back is the very best option

because I'm quite sure I create my own heaven

when his efforts seem wilting

that's of his choosing 

I'm not an angel and neither is he

we're two individuals, living imperfectly

I'm fine alone, I was then, I am now

but his company seemed worth it, somehow

and that beauty we created in breaths between kisses

is something I am quite sure he misses

insignificant

you drove to me, on your humming motorcycle machine

did you think that's all it took?

to show up tonight in leather like a "manly man"

I can smell Jack Daniels when you approach me

I hold you at my arm's length

"don't come close to me" 

your smirk is offensive, the way you bite your lip

I can only imagine how you see yourself reflected in my eyes

You appear so smug, gloating like a child who has won his prize

anger rising from my feet through to my finger tips

how dare you try to see me?

and put your fingers in my hair

I can't stand you, the casual way you stand there

if once I found you handsome, 

I think you're pitiful and insignificant now

you saw me as an option, when I made you my choice

when I tried to talk to you, all you heard was noise

so when I chose to walk away & you don't question me until now

forgive me for my brashness but your presence here, I won't allow

I let you win

am I so delicate? I laugh at the thought

when I've been pulled over shattered glass

what do you feel? pity for me?

your concerned expression amuses me

when you've heard the number of ways I've been thrown into fire

what do you see? a beauty who pleas?

I could take you down

I know my resilience, my will to survive

who needs to be saved when I've already saved myself?

inside my mind, you crept in
but I didn't beg you to leave, I just let you win...but,

an attractive face can distract you from the truth of my fate

you see, I'm already ten chapters in front of you

I write my story, I won't accept your help

stay kind.

when I breathe

I am free from everything

with just one sigh

the pain is released

relaxing my shoulders

my head stays high

because I've seen how bruises fade 

so I stay kind

fall

my favorite season
wrapped up in a purple sweater
watching changing colors of the garden
at the hand of the newly brisk weather

no chip on my shoulder
from the summer season
I've always liked it colder
I'm not sure of the reason

hot chocolate in my hand
and music in my head
admiring this orange, yellow land
but those pretty leaves,
                                    they're dead

conversations with the moon

& I have conversations with the moon

because she listens to me far better than you do.

Confessions.

I'm recognizing my ongoing anger and resentment towards my son's father. I was supposed to only be married once, it was supposed to last forever. I carried our son for nine months and one month after he's born, his dad chose to deceive me. I am sure he never imagined his choice would become known to me. My intuition told me something was wrong, and I found the proof to confront him. No clear explanation has ever been given to me, which makes the circumstances between us that much more difficult and painful. It's so hard to have someone you love look you in the eyes, telling you they love you, when you have proof of choices they made that say otherwise. Immense, agonizing pain, especially when you're a brand new mommy and hormonal anyway. When I needed him most, and our son, his choices showed me his priorities were certainly not his family. Heart break.

I've been on such a roller coaster ride trying to navigate between what's best for Nicolas, while protecting myself too. I've supervised visits between Nicolas and his dad, allowing him to see me, somewhere inside of me still loving him, and hurting and cursing him all the while.

I don't want Nicolas to ever feel any tension between his dad and me. I only want my child to see respect and balance exchanged between his dad and me. This has been HARD. I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, who says what I feel. I don't censor much, so forcing a smile and suppressing the pain when I'm around them hurts. Nicolas is worth this though and I will never show him my pain until the time is right...if it ever is.

This outcome is not what I wanted. I didn't want to be a single mom, relying on family again for a place to live after I've been living out on my own. I've felt so inadequate as a mom, as a person because just when I was laying the foundation for myself and my brand new son, lightning struck & my world turned upside down.

But you know, I wouldn't change any of it now. The amount of growth I've experienced has made me who I am right now. I'm a little less naive, I have a clearer understanding of what I want out of life & relationships, I'm more independent & I've found new friends & people to love. My world has burst wide open to new possibilities & experiences which I know wouldn't have happened if I didn't experience the upheaval & the ultimate separation from Nico's dad.

Sometimes I'm not sure I made the right decision to divorce Nicolas' dad. I can only say that I don't know what I'm doing at all most of the time, except trying to do the best I can with what I've got. I do know one thing, that now I make a conscious decision to try and base my decisions out of love rather than fear like I was doing for so long.

This hasn't been the path I chose, but it's the path I was given. I am blessed, supported and continuing forward because, well, what else can we do?

Love your people. Even if they've hurt you. Love them anyways because being compassionate & loving is never wrong.

disentangle.

this silver siren has had a long, rough road

and with every corner withdrawing,

because people can be so cold

cuddling into my pillows or reading my favorite book

learning to direct my attention to softer things, 

& for a while, I'm off the hook

dissecting people's actions is like hand in the flame

burning and singing, slow torture is the game

I've learned to swiftly disentangle from situations that raise red flags

& sometimes I fear that at 17, I already loved the best man I ever had

when the sky is right.

it starts with a text, "I'll miss you"

because he's leaving the state

invites me over, this is not a date

now closer than ever to all you wished us to be

ironic to hear you say, "I'm sorry, I was so mean"

making your sincere pleas, you feel so lowly

I assure you, I'm not angry, I'm just me

maybe winter air will bring you clarity?

when you sit alone with your beer, your guitar

you'll find peace there.

my hope for you is to let go of your anger

that your hatred won't infect you like a cancer

looking back and wondering what if...

doesn't do you justice

so keep your head high, please

and keep me in mind

because when the sky is right

and the planets are aligned

we'll see each other again 

...& we'll smile.

fading.

I was so intrigued by you, but now able to see through the transparency of your being

hanging on words spun by others, you live to be a martyr, to be a king to a female like her

but you can't build your castle on moon beams. 

and you're drowning in wine, yet taunt yourself, "watch me take it further."

no one to have that uncomfortable conversation, to tell you that your light is fading.

you can't outrun your creativity by numbing your brain with whiskey,

The lines get too blurry, Your aggression is just so heavy

I could be someone to listen, but I refuse to submit myself to your level

I've already risen from the ashes of my own self-created hell

You could come out stronger, if you tried

If you could reach for the music instead of the alcohol, 

because all that poison does is lie.

The moon is falling down.

Music like this gets me through the day. Stay calm and positive my friends. You are all in my tribe.

xo,

  SS

poison ring

in a world where so much is not what it seems,

people kiss your lips but curse you while you sleep,

where lovers love to keep secrets from each other,

telling little lies that reap grave consequences,

this is why I wear my poison ring

rainbow moonstone gem, I always keep

when this world is too much to bear

I know I have my venom stored there

I'll drink it in haste, never questioning this

I can't exist in a world so full of hatred

I choose to take no part of it.

natural.

standing in stagnant air

waiting for you on a bench there

not really nervous nor anxious

just in the moment, wind in my hair

your steps come closer

& we exchange "hellos"

suddenly stranger feels natural.

Happy New Moon!

Happy New (Dark) Moon in Virgo! 

"The New Moon is actually between the Earth and the Sun so it is hidden from view at this time. This is the beginning of the Lunar cycle and is a rebirth and regeneration of energy. Great stones to work with to embrace change and new beginnings are Green Aventurine, Moonstone, Ruby and Citrine. Carry these with you and whisper your intentions into them. You may feel more creative and inspired during this phase." (Source: Pinterest) Look at your astrological birth chart to see where the Virgo dark moon is working in your life today. There will be two sectors, the house of Virgo and it's opposing sign's house, Pisces, where this new moon energy will be felt. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask me! Otherwise, just write down a list of your desires, imagine what it feel like if you already had said desires & release your wishes to the universe as this is the best time to consciously set forth your intentions.

Namaste.

Camp Chesterfield

Today's adventure was a visit to Camp Chesterfield. Mike told me about this place yesterday, so we made an afternoon trip out to tour the grounds today. The air was thick & humid, but thankfully there was a slight breeze & the shade from all the trees was accomodating.

Camp Chesterfield is a spiritualist camp that was founded in 1886. The grounds have a prayer garden, which is a stone cave, there is a memory garden with a beautiful fountain, a pyramid, a labyrinth and a totem pole. I visited the bookstore briefly where they sell books on varying topics from astrology and tarot to yoga to spiritualism.

While walking through the camp, you can see lots of the houses are lived in by several mediums, psychics and healers. The energy of this camp is incredibly peaceful and intriguing as well as mystical & romantic. I can't wait to return for a second trip.

passion and apathy

yours is a sea of uncertainty

the ripples intrigue me

but it's murky

and I'd like to know why

I've swam in darker rivers

that pulled me under with the tide

I'm not adventurous that way now

I'm less likely to trust that watery beauty

I like the ground I'm standing on

the soil has made it's connection to me

show me the balance between passion and apathy

somewhere in you there is a peculiar curiosity

but you seem more self interested than loving

& energetically I can't expose myself to that

little angel.

I exercise so much caution

Little angel by my side

& his big brown eyes guide me

Who would have known this sweet soul,

a little baby, born unto me

Would be my soul's teacher

The one who breathed life into me?